Why do most mothers today question their “mothering ability”? Maybe it’s those all-knowing experts, who are usually childless and blame every malady, real or imagined, on “bad mothering.”
Or do we have a constant loop of fear playing in our own heads – worrying that we’re raising uncivil little hellions who will never fit into society? I don’t know what makes mothers torment themselves with imagined outcomes, but we all do it sooner or later.
Personally, I blame the talk shows, podcasts, books and social media posts that are constantly telling mothers how to be a “better mother.” They tell you to focus on a healthy diet, toddler safety, how to raise a confident teen, how to make sure your kindergartener gets into the right college or chooses the right career… There is no end to the well-meaning experts who tell you what you’re doing wrong and how to correct it. We seem to forget that mothers have raised children for millennia without all of this unsolicited advice.
My advice: Ignore it all. Oh, you can listen to it, glean some useful tidbits here and there, but for the most part, ignore it. Trust me. I am on the backside of child-rearing, and most of the young mothers I know are perfectly capable of handling the job.
Back in the 1980s, my parents and in-laws thought for certain I was going to “ruin” my children or at the least cripple them socially and emotionally if I homeschooled them. This was when supposedly only hippies chose to homeschool. Well, they made it to adulthood just fine, thank you.
If you think you’re going to stunt your kids’ growth or doom them to be social outcasts by not doing what everyone else says you should be doing, take heart. You know your kids better than anyone. Trust your maternal instincts. They are rarely wrong.
To help you feel more confident, here are a few of the more “useless worries” you can set aside:
- If you think it will harm your kids’ growth if they refuse to eat anything but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, relax. My nephew once ate nothing but PB&J for four years – yes, four years. Now he is a colonel in the Air Force and is over six feet tall. My son refused to eat carrots growing up, but his vision ended up being 20/10. Our optometrist said he had “eagle vision.” Mac & cheese was a diet staple for him, but now he is 6’5” and a talented metal worker. (Not that I recommend a mac & cheese diet, but sometimes you have to choose your battles.)
- If your child prefers to play alone, don’t freak. My oldest daughter is a born organizer and for most of her childhood, she preferred playing alone. She would spend hours lining up her books and toys, reading and playing in her pretend store/kitchen. Today, she is a very successful sales rep for an agricultural company. She has traveled the world and has friends in many countries.
- If your baby balks at learning their ABCs, don’t fret. They will eventually be curious enough to figure it out. Our youngest daughter loved being outside and would cry when she had to stay in and work on her reading/writing. She was happiest digging in the dirt or exploring the fields and woods on horseback or with her dog. Today, she is an archeologist and mother of three. She spends a lot of time outdoors with her youngsters exploring their farm. (Her seven-year-old is already a great reader!)
Kids will usually turn out fine if you let them play, feed them semi-nutritious foods and teach them the basics. They are more capable than you think. While I did my best to educate them, my main goal was to give them the tools they needed to build a successful life. I didn’t care about how much money they might make or if they went to college or not. My main goal was to launch confident, kind, well-rounded, honest, individual thinkers into society.
To all you mothers out there – relax! The best mothering wisdom I ever received was from my own mother: “Don’t worry. Most likely everything will be fine. After all, I didn’t know what I was doing, but by the time you came along” – I was number three – “I had it pretty well figured out.” Thanks, Mom!
by Tamra M. Bolton
